I took you to a party,
You threw up in the sink,
Then you told our hostess
I'd had too much to drink.
But I will always love you,
No matter what you say,
Unless you are unfaithful,
In which case, go away.
You took me to a nightclub,
It cost me ninety pounds.
The drinks were so expensive
And I bought all the rounds.
But I will always love you,
No matter what you cost,
Unless you are unfaithful,
In which case, just get lost.
You argued with that big bloke,
You called him "cheeky pup".
You told him that I'd sort him out,
And so he beat me up.
But I will always love you,
For you I'm just a dope.
I know that you'll be faithful,
At least, that's what I hope.
*
Method Acting for Extras.
My social life was drinking,
So it's not so strange
That I got to thinking
That I need a change.
An item in the local press
About a group of actors
Said they'd lost some members
Due to various factors.
Amateur dramatics
Were not my thing at all,
But there is no booze involved,
And the fee is small.
I went along and got a part
In their next production,
A comedy of manners,
Relationship construction.
The setting was a posh hotel,
With me at the rear,
Sitting at a table,
Drinking lots of beer.
Drinking beer was all I did,
From the first to last.
Ever get the feeling
That you are typecast?
*
Method Acting for Bit Part Players.
My first stage performance
Was an easy part,
Sitting at a table
With my stage sweetheart.
Not much acting was required,
I harldy had to think,
Sitting in the background,
Sipping at a drink.
Then came my first speaking part,
A very minor role,
As a drunk called Mr. Doyle,
In "Love on the Dole".
I had to lie upon the stage,
Which acted as the street,
Then my stage wife came to me
And helped me to my feet.
I played a man whose drinking
Had turned him to a wreck.
Far too many strong drinks
Had gone down through his neck.
I issued threats and insults,
I tried to hit and missed.
I was extremely sober,
But seemed extremely pissed.
I've been drunk so many times,
It almost breaks my heart,
My life's been a rehearsal
For this tiny part.
Disclaimer:
Doyle and I are not alike,
For he is quite a lout.
When I'm drunk, I like to laugh,
And grin, but never shout.
*
Method Acting for Supporting Actors.
When I became an actor,
My first part was a boozer.
I then went on to portray
A wasted, drunken loser.
I then performed in panto,
As Pirate B. McGrew,
To the sound of clapping,
Whistles, cheers, a boo.
Was there any drinking?
Yes, there was, my dear.
I stood standing on the stage,
Taking swigs of beer.
My parts are getting bigger;
They have never shrunk.
That, despite the fact that I
Am typecast as a drunk.
*
Energy and Talent.
Hers was the greatest talent
In the karaoke bar.
Of all the voices present
Hers was the best by far.
But the favourite of the crowd,
It was not her at all.
It was a rock and roller
Whose talent was quite small.
He always put his heart in it,
Was sometimes quite frenetic,
But at the very least his turn
Was very energetic.
Then when the woman’s boyfriend left,
She drank too much by far
And danced and rocked upon the stage
And played the air guitar.
Now for the rock and roller
It’s as good as it gets.
With energy and talent
The pair now sing duets.
*
Karaoke Groupie.
She's a karaoke groupie,
People think she's kinda loopy.
She would like to form a club
For a singer in the pub.
She's not aiming any higher,
Proper singers don't inspire.
She has such a modest dream
Due to lack of self-esteem.
The singer is much older,
She could cry upon his shoulder,
And be with him for a while.
He has such a lovely smile.
The singer is now single,
With his "fans" he likes to mingle.
Gave the girl his autograph,
Only did it for a laugh.
She perceived in this small act
Confirmation of the fact
That the singer was not free.
He was now her property.
But the singer, with a frown,
Most politely turned her down.
She's a doer, not a talker.
She's a karaoke stalker.
*
How to Write Successfully
Offensive language is a must;
Insert a naughty word of choice.
If you do it well enough,
People think you are James Joyce.
Write about a horrible,
Supernatural thing.
If you do it well enough,
They'll think you're Stephen King.
Write about a silly world.
Pursue fame and catch it.
If you do it well enough,
They'll think you're Terry Pratchett.
Write about a magic boy
And a sport, say bowling.
If you do it well enough,
They'll think you're J K Rowling.
(For older readers:)
Write about a gang of kids,
An island with a light on.
If you do it well enough
They'll think you're Enid Blyton.
Have a lot of people killed,
On a moor that's misty.
If you do it well enough,
They'll think you're Julie Christie.
"Agatha", not "Julie"
Was my mooted plan,
But I see with sadness
That "Agatha" won't scan.
Upset the religious,
Give their faith a slam,
But for your own safety,
Don't upset Islam.
If you want to see your books
Flying off the shelf,
Probably the best way on
Is to be yourself.
*
Priorities
He's young and slim and handsome,
And catches ladies' eyes.
He's never with a woman,
Which causes some surprise.
He goes out drinking with his mates,
And knocks back lots of beer.
He's never with a woman;
Some think he might be queer.
He'd like to find a woman,
With whom he'd like to frolic.
He's never with a woman,
'Cos he's an alcoholic.
*
Married, Gay or Strange
(Now for a trip to the dark side.)
Women with age in a certain range
Say men are married, gay or strange.
That does not apply to me,
For I'm not gay, but I'm still free.
Backed up in this by all my voices,
Echoed in the things they've said,
From the fridge, by my spare head.
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