Goodbye

Goodbye, Old Friend.

I always swore I'd be successful,
And that I'd stick by my old friends.
It really comes as a surprise, to me,
That this is how our friendship ends.

When we were both still useless failures,
You stopped me being just a wreck,
But now that I am rich and famous,
You are a millstone round my neck.

You were so loyal, warm and friendly,
But it's like living with a curse;
As I grow more and more successful,
Your attitude grows worse and worse.

My arrogance is overbearing,
And all I think about is me,
But if I have to face the punters,
Then that's the way it's going to be.

Many are moved by my performance,
And some of them will start to cry,
But when I try to talk to you, my friend,
You will not look me in the eye.

You used to be my strongest ally,
But now you're acting like a foe.
You do not seem to want to hear me,
While some pay fortunes to do so.

All my new friends are sycophantic,
Ten of them worth one of you,
But now that you are full of envy,
I think you know what I must do.

And so, old friend, I have to leave you.
I leave behind part of my soul.
I will get by with worthless people,
And sex and drugs and rock and roll.

("Goodbye, Old Friend" is an evil cousin of "Wind Beneath My Wings".)

*

Being Tonto.

When I was a schoolboy,
When there was little danger,
I and my companions
Used to play "Lone Ranger".

I had to be a character
And wanted to start pronto.
All wanted to be Ranger;
None wanted to be Tonto.

I said, "I will be Tonto;
Tonto is the best;
He says 'Kemo Sabe'.
You lot, be the rest."

All argued to be Tonto;
None wanted Ranger's part,
So I agreed to do it:
Kindness of my heart.

I was a cunning rascal,
A crafty little laddie,
Happy as the Ranger,
Tonto, or a baddie.

*

Photo.

I stumbled across
An old photograph,
A bunch of drunk students
Having a laugh.

There was a selection
In that silly crew,
The skinny one, me,
The pretty one, you.

Your dangerous boyfriend
Was not in the shot,
Prob'ly off somewhere
Scoring some pot.

We, in the photo,
Next to each other,
I thought you saw me
As like your own brother.

I remember you said,
"Hey, what's your hurry?
"Let's go together
"And share beer and curry."

We shared that one meal,
Which was really fun.
Effect on my life?
Practically none.

You left the course early,
Failed your degree.
That meant very little,
Or nothing, to me.

But now that I've learnt
To see more in a face,
I see my young self,
A callous disgrace.

For after you left,
I saw you in passing;
I did not stop,
I was too busy gassing.

So where are you now?
And are you still pretty?
Are you a granny?
A force in the City?

Are you embittered?
A hideous crone?
Are you quite fat,
Or all skin and bone?

Are you eccentric,
Or out of your mind?
Were the years hard,
Or have they been kind?

Are you still healthy,
With a clear head?
Have you been ill,
Or are you dead?

I just don't know,
And I never might,
So I'll keep that photo
Well out of sight.

**

Correct Pronunciation.

(This is for the people who ring me up and ask for "Mister Muuuuhr" and the like.)

Between Scotland and Saint Kilda
Lies the Isle of Robert Muir.
Sheep and lambs there are aplenty
And the men are good and pure.

Every man upon the island
Has the name of Robert Muir.
Each ot them has one big problem
And must leave to find a cure.

Though the isle is green and pleasanat,
Socially, it's bleak and bare.
All the Roberts talk of leaving,
For there are no women there.

(The island also plays host to Rob Muir and Robbie, Bobby, Rab, Rabbie and Bob Muir.)

*

Bird Alarm

I heard a call.
Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
I looked into the garden
And saw the bird
In the jaws of a cat.

I looked at the cat.
It looked me in the eyes.
It said, “This is mine.”
I said, “I am here.”
Inscrutable.

I walked away.
Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
Urgent! Help! Aaaargh!
Who am I?
Cat or bird?
Both.