*
Spine
I said, “I am so useless.
“I have not got a plan.
“I cannot get a woman.
“I’d settle for a man.
“I am getting desperate.
“My mind is full of fog.
“I cannot find a fella.
“I’d settle for a dog.
“But dogs are very dirty,
“And I don’t mean to whine.
“I’ll settle for ‘most anything
“If it has a spine.”
My friend said, “I am worried
“About the way you look.”
So she gave me a present.
It was a hardback book.
*
Learn to Hate You.
I’ll try to learn to hate you
For ruining my life.
You changed it from a good one
To one of pain and strife.
You promised me a lifetime.
I took you at your word,
Then you packed and went away,
You filthy, stinking turd.
You took away our children
And half our wealth as well,
Just because your love had died.
I hope you burn in Hell.
I’m all alone in our old home.
I’m mad that you’re not there.
And if I hate you hard enough
I’ll learn how not to care.
(The above was inspired by seeing a fat bloke singing "I Will Always Love You".)
*
A Man's Interest.
I realise old women
And kids and men are great,
But to hold my int-er-est
You have to ovulate.
*
Mister Sausage.
(Dedicated to an ex-colleague who told a bunch of us more than I wanted to know about her husband.)
She calls him Mister Sausage,
But something is the matta.
He does not come from Cumberland
He comes from Chipolata.
*
Rum the Island, not the Drink.
An old, kilted Scotsman from Rum
Fondled a young lady's bum.
So she made a pass
At the crack of his ass
And forcefully rammed up her thumb.
*
Rosemary.
Rosie, no, Rosemary,
I was never right for you.
Apart, we are two aces,
Together we were two.
I was very common,
And crazy, wild, and hairy.
I said, “You can call me Rob”.
You had to be “Rosemary”.
I suffered from depravity,
Was far too fond of vice,
But everything you wanted
Was very, very nice.
I wanted to do with you
Things I thought were fine.
You did not see my point of view.
You thought I was a swine.
I hope you found the right man,
And that he’s not obscene.
I hope he’s kind and civil,
And treats you like a queen.
If you're very lucky,
Passion never fades.
You might be a queen of hearts,
But I sing "Ace of Spades".
*
Fame.
There is a modern craze for fame.
It’s valued more than health
Or love or comfort, sanity,
Or even sex or wealth.
I have no wish for fame myself
And feel I must be blunt:
Why would I want the world to know
That I’m a complete ____?
(The above is a work in progress. I am unable to come up with a final word.)
*
My Fat Lady.
Not long after closing time,
My mates had all just gone,
I was drinking up my pint,
Ready to move on.
A fat girl sat down by me,
But yet she did not speak.
A big fat tear formed in her eye,
And fell down her fat cheek.
My heart was touched by pity,
I said, "Don't be so sad,
"The beer in this establishment
"Can't be all that bad".
Drunkenly, she told a tale
Of chaos and alarm.
She moved a little closer,
Her bosom touched my arm.
I thought that helping strangers
Really was a duty,
And under all the layers of fat
She could be a beauty.
I took her home and let her sleep
Alone in my spare bed,
And as I got to know her,
She did things to my head.
I told her that if our affair
Was not to be just fleeting,
She had to stop her smoking
And cut down on her eating.
I told her that to change her life
From her living hell,
She really had to exercise,
And sup less booze as well.
I taught her to respect herself.
I made her ego bigger.
Her skin improved, she smiled a lot,
She gained a perfect figure.
Then our close relationship
Went right down the pan,
Because she went and left me
For a handsome man.
That woman has bad judgement
When it comes to men.
In a year or two she'll be
Fat and drunk again.
*
Mechanophilia.
Ah love steam, me,
Ah love to hear it chuff.
Anything mechanical,
Ah just can't get enough.
Ah love steam, me,
Ah love to see its power.
Don't show me a cathedral,
Show me a colliery tower.
Ah love steam, me,
Ah love to hear it roar
In great big traction engines;
Ah could not ask for more.
Ah love steam, me,
Ah love to hear it hiss.
Elbow-deep in a machine,
That's my idea of bliss.
Ah love steam, me,
Ah love to feel it throb.
It's great to work with engines
As hobby and as job.
(The above is on the "Rude Poems" page, not as a Shakespearian pun about "rude mechanicals", but because I wrote a rude version, verse for verse, at the same time. Then I decided it was just too rude to reproduce here.)
*
Business Proposition
"Would you like some business?"
The sad young woman said.
I was taken by surprise,
So I shook my head.
"My prices are extremely cheap",
She said with twisted grin.
"You see I'm young and healthy,
"You see my perfect skin."
I did not know what dangers
Might lurk in her abode,
So I said, "No thank you",
And walked off down the road.
Just a few steps further on,
A woman barred my way.
She had clearly had a drink.
She smiled and said, "Hey, hey!"
I scowled at her, pushed on by,
Let out a hearty groan,
"Why can't all you prostitures
"Just leave a man alone?"
She was very mortified.
She was very cross.
I realised, but far too late,
That she was my new boss.
I am also quite upset.
It really breaks my heart
That I have lost a well-paid job,
Through turning down a tart.
No comments:
Post a Comment