Daft Ships

Daft Ships.

I was walking in Blackpool,
With nothing planned.
A pretty young woman
Took hold of my hand.

I looked at her;
She was looking away.
Neither of us
Had much to say.

We walked along;
We were part of a crowd.
Neither of us
Said things out loud.

We walked until
We stopped by a bus.
She looked at me,
Said, "Are you with us?"

I said, "No, not really,
"I am just with me,
"But I'm with your group
"If you want me to be.

"'Twas you took my hand,
"So don't call the cops.
"I've come into town
"To look at the shops."

She let go my hand,
"Said, "So, sorry, dear,
"But I have been drinking
"Your strong local beer.

"And drinking some wine,
"And some strong spirits too
"I'm so very sorry
"To have bothered you."

I smiled and I left,
Not feeling a fool.
These things just happen
In sunny Blackpool.

*

Blackpudlian.

I will be happy.
You will be free.
We will watch donkeys
Down by the sea.

A few days together
For you and me,
When I will love you
For a small fee.

*

Closing Time

They’ve now finished serving,
So drink up your beer.
We have homes to go to.
Let’s get out of here.

There’s chairs on the tables;
They’re sweeping the floor.
I get the strong feeling
We’re welcome no more.

The bar staff were smiling,
But that has now stopped.
The warmth of the welcome
Has certainly dropped.

The bar staff are restless,
For it’s getting late.
Once figures of fun,
We are figures of hate.

So they’re shouting at us.
They say we must go.
We once were their friends.
Now we’re the foe.

They must be quite strong
To carry us out
And throw us so far,
Of that there’s no doubt.

Just pick yourself up now.
You are quite a case.
I’ll see you tomorrow,
Same time, same place.

*

Bully.

Sat int the pub,
With a good pint of beer,
Heard someone shouting,
Both loud and clear.

Late in the evening,
Very few there,
Manager yelling,
With a mad stare.

Swearing and cursing,
I am afraid
That he was shouting
At the barmaid.

Thought of protesting
Like a drunk hero,
But I went home,
Like a drunk Nero.

A few days later,
Went there once more,
"Under new management",
Up on the door.

Same barmaid served me;
We had a craic,
Turns out the manager
Had got the sack.

So when you're drinking,
Just have a laugh.
Never get angry,
Or swear at the staff.

*

Rock Star.

Well, I'm the bass player in a rock 'n' roll band,
And I got to thinkin' that life is just grand.

(Chorus:
Oh yeah, the years may have taken their toll,
But I do not care, I'm always gonna rock 'n' roll.)

I've stopped drugs and boozin' to save my dear life,
And that ain't my daughter, that's my second wife.

(Chorus)

I don't much respect what goes on in her brain,
But I really love her, she goes like a train.

(Chorus)

I'm just a tiny bit bald and a little bit fat,
So I wear a girdle and a rock 'n' roll hat.

(Chorus)

I'm keeping my wrinkles, they are part of me,
And I'm far too cool to have face surg-eree.

(Chorus)

When I am much older, a little old gnome,
I will be rockin' the old people's home.

(Chorus. Big rock 'n' roll finish.)

*

Sheep.

He's well over fifty;
He's the big "I am".
He sings karaoke,
When he's had a dram.

If he was a woman,
Mutton dressed as lamb.
As it is he's really
Ham dressed up as ram.

*

Clubbers in Winter.

I admire young women,
Especially in the night,
Especially in winter,
When the stars are bright.

They wear very little,
They are very bold,
They don't seem to notice
When it's very cold.

They all look straight through me,
They don't point or gloat.
They wear next to nothing,
I wear my heavy coat.

They display their shoulders,
Their navels and each limb.
You can see whose diet's wrong,
And who goes to the gym.

In contrast are the young men,
The trendies and the cools,
Out without their coats on,
The optimistic fools.

*

Tommy Two Pies.

Tommy Two Pies is short and fat.
He never wears a coat or hat.

Tommy Two Pies moves about by car;
He can't be made to walk too far.

He goes to clubs to find a mate,
But all the girls think he's too great.

On his way home it's no surprise,
He stops off for chips and two pies.

(That's British chips, what Americans call "fries".)

*

Charlotte Uhlenbroek.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek
Works with chimpanzees,
And her grace and beauty
Bring me to my knees.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek
Works with big gorillas.
When she appears on telly
She is bound to thrill us.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek,
And orang-utangs
Work together beautifully,
Hear how my heart bangs.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek,
There on the t.v.
I know that I'm a kind of ape,
But she won't study me.