Mercury is small and fast;
Venus kills you dead;
Earth has people on it;
Planet Mars is red.
Jupiter is biggest;
Saturn has its rings;
Don't talk about Uranus;
Neptune widely swings.
There is another item,
One we like to mock,
So-called planet Pluto:
Just a pushy rock.
(The above was written before Pluto deservedly lost its classification as a planet.)
**
Dust, Man.
I love you, honey,
But you gotta know,
Ask me to dust,
An' I gotta go.
Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Cleaning up dust is something I just won't do.
Well, I'll wash the bath.
I'll clean the car.
I'll go to the shops if it's not too far.
I'll be the object of your lust,
But,uh, huh, honey, don't ask me to dust.
Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Don't ask me to dust and I'll even clean the loo.
I'll do the washing up,
Delouse the cat,
Take the washing to the laundromat.
I'll clean the mower of all rust,
But, uh, huh, honey, don't ask me to dust.
Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Don't ask me to dust and I'll even cook for you.
Well, it's dust, dust, don't do dust,
Honey, dust, dust, don't do dust...(Fade out)
**
Campaign.
We all love our mobile phones,
And we are not fools.
We know masts are needed,
But keep them from our schools.
We are quite well organised,
And our leader says,
Phone masts are most dangerous,
With their deadly rays.
Children do get injured,
Death and broken bones,
But we're not campaigning
For traffic-calming zones.
To the masts we are severe,
To traffic we are mild,
Even though a phone mast
Never killed a child.
Our campaign is doing well,
And we're feeling grand.
It's good to know that Ned Ludd
Still walks this mighty land.
**
Drunken Uncle.
Get up and dance like you're at a wedding,
Can't be sure which direction you're heading,
Lurch about like a storm at sea,
And do the drunken uncle with me.
To learn this dance won't take very long,
Do any step, just make sure that it's wrong,
Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee,
And do the drunken uncle with me.
Wave both your arms and flutter your lids,
Be an embarrassment to all the kids,
Show them all what it's like to be free,
And do the drunken uncle with me.
It is more fun if you sing karaoke,
Pick something lively and a bit jokey,
Shuffle your feet and bend at the knee,
And do the drunken uncle with me.
Let's make those kids think that they've gone to Hell,
Let's do the drunken auntie as well.
**
In Celebration of Ukraine's Eurovision Song Contest Victory.
The Ukraine flag is simple,
And really rather mellow;
The upper half if blue,
The lower half is yellow.
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