Richard Dawkins

Richard Dawkins

Hurrah for Richard Dawkins,
The scourge of all the Jews,
The Christians and the Muslims,
The Buddhists and Hindus.

He knows that faith is nonsense
And holy books are wrong,
A prayer is merely talking,
A hymn is just a song.

He’s not afraid to face the facts.
He sees by reason’s light.
Here’s the most depressing thought:
The clever fellow’s right.

“Kill and die for your beliefs”.
“Send infidels to Hell”.
That’s not only evil,
It’s ludicrous as well.

Dawkins is a good man.
He has no cloven hoof.
All he wants is that we say,
“Come on, where’s the proof?”

*

Science or Faith?

How do we go back to the Moon?
Tell me, what's the way?
Should we use logic and science?
Or should we all sit here and pray?

*

Stornoway!
(An unofficial anthem.)

There's a place that's wet and cold.
Stornoway!
Worth its very weight in gold.
Stornoway!

There's a nearly constant gale.
Stornoway!
Mixed with snow and sometimes hail.
Stornoway!

There are birds and seals as well.
Stornoway!
There are fish. You'll like the smell.
Stornoway!

We've no worries and no cares.
Stornoway!
We live near some polar bears.
Stornoway!

We all like to sing a song.
Stornoway!
Of winter days ten minutes long.
Stornoway!

What's the best way?
Stornoway!
Stornoway, Stornoway, Stornoway,
Aaaaaaah, Stornoway!

*

Never Do a Relative a Favour.
(A Country and Western Song.)

(Chorus):
Never do a relative a favour,
Never do a favour for a friend,
For if you do you know they will resent it,
And that they're gonna get you in the end.

My Auntie was a very poor old widow,
She had a chance to buy her council flat,
But she had no savings whatsoever;
My parents' loan was what took care of that.

(Chorus)

Nobody bothered with a legal contract,
So Auntie's fortunes got a great big lift.
For years she kept her mouth shut 'bout the purchase,
Then swore to God the money was a gift.

(Chorus)

So Daddy's dead and Mommy is now renting,
And Auntie's really doing rather well.
I'm sure my Daddy now resides in Heaven;
When Auntie dies she's going straight to Hell.

(Chorus)

*

Only Me.

(This was originally meant to be a folk song, so after each couplet you might sing:
"Hey ho, I'm wild and free
In my life there's only me".)

I went out with a lass called Sue.
I'd no idea what to do.

I went out with a lass called Rose,
Until she punched me on the nose.

I went out with a lass called Chris.
She always used to take the piss.

I went out with a lass called Anne.
She left me for a dirty old man.

I went out with a lass called Ruth.
She left me for a spotty youth.

I went out with a lass called Jen.
But she preferred some other men.

I went out with a lass called Jane.
All she did was cause me pain.

I went out with a lass called Jean.
She was violent and mean.

I went out with a lass called Belle.
Thought I'd died and gone to Hell.

I went out with a lass called Bea,
Until she ran away to sea.

I went out with a lass called Gail
Until they took her back to jail.

I went out with a lass called Maud,
'til she became a friend of God.

I went out with a lass called Claire.
She slapped my face and pulled my hair.

You look doubtful, this I know,
But that was several years ago.

I've been stalked for several years,
By a lass who looks like Britney Spears.

I don't moan and I don't cry,
But I have been known to lie.

I went out with a lass called Joy,
Until I found she was a boy.

Shaven head 'neath long, blonde curls.
I stopped going to Funny Gurls.

I went out with a lass called Meg,
'til she went and broke my leg.

I went out with a lass called Dawn.
Left me for dead upon the lawn.

I'm sure there's still an open door;
I'm just a boy of fifty-four.

To carry on now would offend,
So now my sorry tale must end.

*****

Dirty Old Optimist.

You are young and beautiful,
But it's such a bore
That you are only eighteen,
And I am fifty-four.

But you have two lovely friends,
Who are eighteen as well,
So adding up your ages,
It's fifty-four! Oh, swell!

So here's a proposition,
Appealing and quite moresome,
You and me and your two friends:
A real fantastic foursome.

*****

Professional Relationship.

We sit together in the dark,
Your voice is soft and low.
It's nearly time for me to leave,
But I don't want to go.

If I said I'd like to stay,
There would be some friction,
Because I am your customer,
And you are my optician.

To ignore your pheromones
Would be less than human,
But I'll keep my trap shut,
'Cos you're a married woman.

*

Faded Fame.

He was Charlie Eckersley
In a well-known soap.
That was just the start of it,
At least, that was the hope.

But no other parts arrived,
So now he's feeling blue.
No longer Charlie Eckersley,
Now he's "Who are you?"