A daft old woman
Told me a joke,
Thinkin' I was one
Of the herrenvolk.
She thought her joke
Was really great,
But it ain't funny
If it's based on hate.
My skin is white
But my blood is red.
Act like a racist,
I'll wish you dead.
I just don't care
What colour your face is.
I only hate people
On a personal basis.
It really seems
Quite plain to see
We're all enriched
By var-i-et-ee.
All of us humans
Are one big race.
If you can't be civil,
Then shut your face!
*
Laila's Hat.
(Dedicated to Laila Chaudhry, child surrealist philosopher, and inspiration for this poem.)
Little Laila, year 'n' a half,
Wore her potty for a laugh.
"Take that thing from off your head,"
Little Laila's mummy said.
"Don't be so unclean and grotty,
Not a hat, it is a potty."
Little Laila smiled at that.
She said, "No, it is a hat."
Laila's mummy made a fuss,
Said, "My child's a genius.
"Such a speech from one so young
"Shows great mastery of the tongue."
But, when all's been done and said,
She had a potty on her head.
*
Laila's Benediction.
Little Laila's down to Earth,
Twenty-two months from her birth.
Parents go to a thea-itter,
Leave her with a baby-sitter.
Older woman, not a crone,
Feels she's, in a sense, alone.
Doesn't have to play a part,
Lets rip with a mighty fart.
Laila knows just what to do;
Looks at her and says, "Bless you".
*
Laila's Aunt.
Little Laila's Uncle Jim,
And his girlfriend, Tamsin,
Visit Laila's parents' house,
The place that Laila's pram's in.
Laila loves her Aunty Tam,
But not her Uncle Jim.
It's "Aunty Tam" and "Aunty Tam",
But she don't care 'bout him.
He can buy her presents,
Or shower her with praise;
Laila isn't bothered
If he goes or stays.
Tamsin need do nothing,
Apart from sitting there,
For Laila to climb up to her
And pat and stroke her hair.
Uncle Jim is quite nonplussed.
He says, "The kid's a rotter.
"I'm her mother's brother,
"And blood's more thick than water.
Uncle Jim could buy a dog,
A Labrador or setter,
And bring it up from puppyhood,
And hope it likes him better.
*
Big Policeman.
My nephew is a copper,
He stands just six foot five.
If he fell on top of you,
You might well not survive.
It's mostly as a babe and child
That I remember him,
So to this ancient uncle,
He's always "Little Jim".
To call him that right to his face,
The thought would not occur.
If I call him anything,
I always call him "sir".
*
Mints?
Whether she was travelling near or far,
Maggie kept a packet of mints in her car.
Five-year-old Laila, not one to hint,
Always said, “Gran, can I have a mint?”
Mag said, “Laila, remember if you would
Asking for mints is just plain rude.
Next time, Laila, charming and clear:
“I wonder if there’s anything minty in here?”
*
Cheap Shoes. (A Blues Song)
Cheap shoes, they hurt my skin.
I wear them out before I break them in.
Cheap shoes, they hurt my feet,
Then fall apart when I walk down the street.
Cheap shoes, they hurt my corn.
They make me wish I had never been born.
Cheap shoes, they make me blue.
The sad thing is they remind me of you.
*
Talk Like a Pirate.
(Chorus:)
Come an' join our scurvy crew,
An' learn to talk like pirates do.
(Repeated after each verse.)
When ye talk to pirates,
Be careful what ye say.
If ye want to get on well,
Ye talk the pirate way.
Ye must use some language
Of a different kind.
Ye can't say, "Stop that back there".
Ye say, "Avast behind".
"Yes and "no" are never used.
That's not the pirate way.
Positive and negative
Are simply "yarr" and "nay".
"Arrrr" is very versatile.
It means "hello", "goodbye",
"Let's all go and have a drink"
An' "Ye're all goin' to die".
Ye can't ever say, "I am".
Ye have to say, "I be".
If a word do end in "ing",
Ye always drop the "g".
Ne'er call any person "you",
Always call 'em "ye".
When sayin' words like "never",
Always drop the "v".
Everythin' ye have to say,
Although it makes no sense,
Describin' past or future,
Ye use the present tense.
Always be bombastic,
To be a pirate true.
Ne'er use a single adjective,
When two or three will do.
If ye really want to be
A salty old sea dog,
Don't go drinkin' cocktails,
Ye must be drinkin' grog.
Call yer woman-friend a wench,
When yer home from sea,
Unless the darlin' lady
Be more strong than ye.
Though piracy can be a laugh,
There be a nasty flaw.
Goin out a-piratin'
Be right against the law.
Ye can talk like pirates,
When standin by the mizzen,
But if ye do real piratin',
Ye hang or go to prison.
*
Retired Home Page Poem.
Click on a title,
It costs no money,
And what you see
Might well be funny.
*
Rejected Home Page Poem.
Read this site.
You really should.
It's so great,
It's made of wood.
*
Forgiveness.
When, at last, you know the truth,
Forgive the folly of your youth.
Realise that we're all thick.
Forgive each stupid little trick.
Forgive both enemy and friend.
This will help you in the end.
Some you can't forgive just yet:
Those who might still pose a threat.
*
To A Cheetah.
(With acknowledgements to "Wildlife on One" with David Attenborough.)
It's no fun being a cheetah;
You dash about all day;
You run just like a thing possessed
To catch up to your prey.
Then when you have killed it,
And you're all out of breath,
Up stroll some damn hyenas,
Ready for more death.
So you have to run away,
'Cos you're no match for them,
And listen to hyenas shout,
"Cheetahs are so femme".
Your skinny frame and these events
Are extremely linked.
If things go on the way they are,
You'll soon be extinct.
*
The Wreck of the Riverdance
At the windy, wintry start of year two thousand and eight,
A ferry on the Irish Sea was victim of an awful fate.
'Twas a violent, stormy, January night.
Those at sea were in an awful state of fright.
From Ireland to Heysham the Riverdance was going.
There were gales and heavy rain, but it was not snowing.
All hope was lost, no hope could e'er be found.
The Riverdance was blown off course and so it ran aground.
There were winds and lots of spume and foam.
The ship was stuck in sand at Blackpool's Anchorsholme.
More than twenty souls aboard feared that they would die,
But soon some rescue helicoptors were above them in the sky.
Naval rescue is a place where many heroes thrive.
Every one on board was taken off alive.
Lorries that were on board were in an awful tangle,
And morning saw the Riverdance upon the sand at something of an angle.
As days went by the ship's insurers must have cried.
The Riverdance slowly settled down upon its starboard side.
Imported Dutch salvors tried with might and mein
To make the ship upright and buoyant once again.
More strong and stormy winds amounting to a gale
Ensured that in their mighty efforts they would fail.
All hope of relaunch then went out of reach.
The mighty Riverdance was cut to pieces on the beach.
Sad is the loss, but we can say with pride
Brave men risked their lives, so that no person died.
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