Reality

For the benefit of International Baccalaureate Theory of Knowledge students, I have copied Reality to this more prominent location.

Reality.

I was walking on the street.
A big white van drove past.
I could see it clearly;
It was not moving fast.

"Reality" was written
On the big van's side.
I wanted it to stop for me
And take me for a ride.

I started to run after it,
But it went round the bend.
My chance had come, but now that chance
So soon came to an end.

So I am stuck here in this world,
Which is not really real.
You might think it's genuine;
That's not the way I feel.

We have a Queen and mobile phones;
Don't you think it's odd?
We've scientific method,
But most believe in God.

So I am stuck here just like you,
With fake women and men,
Unless I can discover
That big white van again.

*

Fear of Reality

I was walking on new ground,
Industrial estate.
I saw a sign, "Reality",
And thought, "Oh wow, that's great."

Here's a chance to be somewhere
I've never been before,
Just walk up to that office
And walk in through that door.

Then I thought of past mistakes
That made me swear and curse.
If I left this false world,
The real one might be worse.

So I thought, "No need to rush,
There'll be another day."
And so I passed Reality
And went upon my way.

*

Golden Age

We're now living longer
Than we did in the past.
Looking at the stuff we own
Our wealth is really vast.

Diseases that once killed us
Are well under control.
Instead of letting people starve
We can afford the dole.

Children now grow taller
Than they ever did before.
Electronic media
Mean life is not a bore.

Political correctness laws
Might succeed or fail,
But are a big improvement
On sending gays to jail.

Most of us have freedom,
We call nobody, "master".
We're living in a Golden Age.
It feels like a disaster.

Looking Good

Looking Good.

First you have an earring,
Just see how it goes,
Then you have another ring,
And put it through your nose.

Then you have some more rings,
And if you're feeling hip,
Have a few more in your ears,
And one right through your lip.

Decorate your body
With a small tattoo,
Then have sev'ral others done,
Until they cover you.

If you still feel common,
If you still feel dull,
Shave off all your head hairs,
Have tattoos on your skull.

Have a stud right through your tongue,
Wear outrageous pants,
Enhance your lovely body
With huge breast implants.

Have rings in your nipples,
Have your friends in fits,
Have some major metalwork
In your naughty bits.

Diet and take exercise
For a great physique.
End up lean and muscly,
Like a steroid freak.

Have a major facelift,
And work done on your eyes,
So that you can have that look
Of permanant surprise.

Adapt these things I'm saying
To your special case,
If you want to look like
A thing from outer space.

*

Height.

When I was much younger,
And I do not boast,
I was fairly skinny,
Lankier than most.

Now that I am older,
I've been living right.
I'm a man of average weight
And of average height.

If I live much longer,
An interesting thought,
I will be quite heavy
And relatively short.

*

Domestic Violence Song.

Never hit a woman,
Except in self defence.
No excuse that you feel low
And your mood's intense.

Never hit a woman,
Just because you can,
Or you want to prove to her
That you are a man.

Never hit a woman;
It's not the thing to do
To prove that you're a Muslim,
A Christian or a Jew.

Never hit a woman;
Don't smash her in the face,
Just to show her who's the boss
And keep her in her place.

Never hit a woman,
Or throw her down the stairs,
Just to show that she's alone
And no-one really cares.

Never hit a woman,
Or stand upon her throat,
Just because she's got a job
And she's got the vote.

Never hit a woman,
Or kick her up the bum.
A man who hits a woman
Is filthy, rotten scum.

*

Diets.

In olden times, if you ate meat,
You had to be quite trim and neat.
If dinner, lunch or tea were prey,
It always tried to run away.

In olden times if you ate plants,
You had to have two sets of pants.
Your fatness was for this good reason:
Every year, a famine season.

So evolution worked just great,
Your build arose from what you ate.
The world has changed in many ways,
But that's still true in modern days.

To put this point a little blunter,
Convince your body you're a hunter.
Then you'll be both thin and hale,
While all the other diets fail.

(The above is for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute dietary or medical advice.)

*

Superyoung.

Why am I so young and lovely,
When all around are growing old?
Why are they so warm and giving,
When I'm indifferent and cold?

Fellows that I went to school with,
When we're out and having fun,
Women point to me and ask them,
"Tell me, sir, is that your son?"

Though I have few lines or wrinkles,
At least I've gone a little bald.
For my age it is quite normal;
"Premature" is what it's called.

I don't try to take advantage,
Never lie about my age.
This can lead to admiration,
Or to jealousy and rage.

I don't try to lack emotion;
None of this was ever planned.
Jealousy is just a concept.
Anger, I don't understand.

Why am I so young and lovely?
How did I become this way?
Actually, I know the answer:
It's down to luck and DNA.

**

Farmers' Song.

(This is a duet, each singer taking alternate verses and joining together for the final verse.)

We don't sail the ocean's deep;
We are farmers and we raise sheep.

We don't sail upon the seas,
But we expect huge sub-sid-ees.

We're not firemen, we're not cops;
We are farmers and we grow crops.

We don't lead you all in prayer.
We want cash from the taxpayer.

We won't offer to sell your house;
We are farmers and we raise cows.

We won't take you where it's sunny.
We demand more government money.

We're not people who sweep the street;
We are farmers and we grow wheat.

We don't run a nuclear plant,
But we want a government grant.

We don't run university courses;
We are farmers and we breed horses.

We don't come and take your trash,
But we want more government cash.

We don't operate on your brain;
We are farmers and we grow grain.

We're not artists or engravers;
We want the state to do us favours.

We don't sell you dogs or parrots;
We are farmers and we grow carrots.

We are farmers and we raise swine,
And we love to moan and whine.

Daft Ships

Daft Ships.

I was walking in Blackpool,
With nothing planned.
A pretty young woman
Took hold of my hand.

I looked at her;
She was looking away.
Neither of us
Had much to say.

We walked along;
We were part of a crowd.
Neither of us
Said things out loud.

We walked until
We stopped by a bus.
She looked at me,
Said, "Are you with us?"

I said, "No, not really,
"I am just with me,
"But I'm with your group
"If you want me to be.

"'Twas you took my hand,
"So don't call the cops.
"I've come into town
"To look at the shops."

She let go my hand,
"Said, "So, sorry, dear,
"But I have been drinking
"Your strong local beer.

"And drinking some wine,
"And some strong spirits too
"I'm so very sorry
"To have bothered you."

I smiled and I left,
Not feeling a fool.
These things just happen
In sunny Blackpool.

*

Blackpudlian.

I will be happy.
You will be free.
We will watch donkeys
Down by the sea.

A few days together
For you and me,
When I will love you
For a small fee.

*

Closing Time

They’ve now finished serving,
So drink up your beer.
We have homes to go to.
Let’s get out of here.

There’s chairs on the tables;
They’re sweeping the floor.
I get the strong feeling
We’re welcome no more.

The bar staff were smiling,
But that has now stopped.
The warmth of the welcome
Has certainly dropped.

The bar staff are restless,
For it’s getting late.
Once figures of fun,
We are figures of hate.

So they’re shouting at us.
They say we must go.
We once were their friends.
Now we’re the foe.

They must be quite strong
To carry us out
And throw us so far,
Of that there’s no doubt.

Just pick yourself up now.
You are quite a case.
I’ll see you tomorrow,
Same time, same place.

*

Bully.

Sat int the pub,
With a good pint of beer,
Heard someone shouting,
Both loud and clear.

Late in the evening,
Very few there,
Manager yelling,
With a mad stare.

Swearing and cursing,
I am afraid
That he was shouting
At the barmaid.

Thought of protesting
Like a drunk hero,
But I went home,
Like a drunk Nero.

A few days later,
Went there once more,
"Under new management",
Up on the door.

Same barmaid served me;
We had a craic,
Turns out the manager
Had got the sack.

So when you're drinking,
Just have a laugh.
Never get angry,
Or swear at the staff.

*

Rock Star.

Well, I'm the bass player in a rock 'n' roll band,
And I got to thinkin' that life is just grand.

(Chorus:
Oh yeah, the years may have taken their toll,
But I do not care, I'm always gonna rock 'n' roll.)

I've stopped drugs and boozin' to save my dear life,
And that ain't my daughter, that's my second wife.

(Chorus)

I don't much respect what goes on in her brain,
But I really love her, she goes like a train.

(Chorus)

I'm just a tiny bit bald and a little bit fat,
So I wear a girdle and a rock 'n' roll hat.

(Chorus)

I'm keeping my wrinkles, they are part of me,
And I'm far too cool to have face surg-eree.

(Chorus)

When I am much older, a little old gnome,
I will be rockin' the old people's home.

(Chorus. Big rock 'n' roll finish.)

*

Sheep.

He's well over fifty;
He's the big "I am".
He sings karaoke,
When he's had a dram.

If he was a woman,
Mutton dressed as lamb.
As it is he's really
Ham dressed up as ram.

*

Clubbers in Winter.

I admire young women,
Especially in the night,
Especially in winter,
When the stars are bright.

They wear very little,
They are very bold,
They don't seem to notice
When it's very cold.

They all look straight through me,
They don't point or gloat.
They wear next to nothing,
I wear my heavy coat.

They display their shoulders,
Their navels and each limb.
You can see whose diet's wrong,
And who goes to the gym.

In contrast are the young men,
The trendies and the cools,
Out without their coats on,
The optimistic fools.

*

Tommy Two Pies.

Tommy Two Pies is short and fat.
He never wears a coat or hat.

Tommy Two Pies moves about by car;
He can't be made to walk too far.

He goes to clubs to find a mate,
But all the girls think he's too great.

On his way home it's no surprise,
He stops off for chips and two pies.

(That's British chips, what Americans call "fries".)

*

Charlotte Uhlenbroek.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek
Works with chimpanzees,
And her grace and beauty
Bring me to my knees.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek
Works with big gorillas.
When she appears on telly
She is bound to thrill us.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek,
And orang-utangs
Work together beautifully,
Hear how my heart bangs.

Lovely Charlotte Uhlenbroek,
There on the t.v.
I know that I'm a kind of ape,
But she won't study me.

Solar System

Solar System Mnemonic.

Mercury is small and fast;
Venus kills you dead;
Earth has people on it;
Planet Mars is red.

Jupiter is biggest;
Saturn has its rings;
Don't talk about Uranus;
Neptune widely swings.

There is another item,
One we like to mock,
So-called planet Pluto:
Just a pushy rock.

(The above was written before Pluto deservedly lost its classification as a planet.)

**

Dust, Man.

I love you, honey,
But you gotta know,
Ask me to dust,
An' I gotta go.

Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Cleaning up dust is something I just won't do.

Well, I'll wash the bath.
I'll clean the car.
I'll go to the shops if it's not too far.
I'll be the object of your lust,
But,uh, huh, honey, don't ask me to dust.

Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Don't ask me to dust and I'll even clean the loo.

I'll do the washing up,
Delouse the cat,
Take the washing to the laundromat.
I'll clean the mower of all rust,
But, uh, huh, honey, don't ask me to dust.

Honey, that goes for vacuuming too.
Don't ask me to dust and I'll even cook for you.

Well, it's dust, dust, don't do dust,
Honey, dust, dust, don't do dust...(Fade out)

**

Campaign.

We all love our mobile phones,
And we are not fools.
We know masts are needed,
But keep them from our schools.

We are quite well organised,
And our leader says,
Phone masts are most dangerous,
With their deadly rays.

Children do get injured,
Death and broken bones,
But we're not campaigning
For traffic-calming zones.

To the masts we are severe,
To traffic we are mild,
Even though a phone mast
Never killed a child.

Our campaign is doing well,
And we're feeling grand.
It's good to know that Ned Ludd
Still walks this mighty land.

**

Drunken Uncle.

Get up and dance like you're at a wedding,
Can't be sure which direction you're heading,
Lurch about like a storm at sea,
And do the drunken uncle with me.

To learn this dance won't take very long,
Do any step, just make sure that it's wrong,
Sting like a butterfly, float like a bee,
And do the drunken uncle with me.

Wave both your arms and flutter your lids,
Be an embarrassment to all the kids,
Show them all what it's like to be free,
And do the drunken uncle with me.

It is more fun if you sing karaoke,
Pick something lively and a bit jokey,
Shuffle your feet and bend at the knee,
And do the drunken uncle with me.

Let's make those kids think that they've gone to Hell,
Let's do the drunken auntie as well.

**

In Celebration of Ukraine's Eurovision Song Contest Victory.

The Ukraine flag is simple,
And really rather mellow;
The upper half if blue,
The lower half is yellow.

Rugby Club

Rugby Club.

(Dedicated to my cousin, Jim Archibald.)

Jim played rugby as a boy,
Played well for his school,
Then he joined the local club,
Joined their talent pool.

He got married, had a kid;
He just kept on playing.
Others came; others went;
Big Jim, he was staying.

When he hit his forties,
He just carried on,
No longer in the first team,
His oldest friends moved on.

Arriving late, he overheard,
"What's happened to Old Jim?"
A sudden shock of horror:
That referred to him!

Now he serves behind the bar,
Says, "I remember when..."
But since that awful moment,
He's never played again.

**

Big Sister.

Laila's brand new brother,
A smashing little pal,
Weighs just over seven pounds,
And his name's Bilal.

Laila was once little,
Now she is quite large.
Bill is now the little one,
So Laila is in charage.

Although she's only two years old,
Her feet are on the ground.
She knows she can be kind to him,
And still boss him around.

**

Land of Fargon.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears shoes.
Everyone's a winner;
They don't ever lose.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears socks,
And if they are ladies,
Everyone wears frocks.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears pants.
Everyone is sensible;
No-one ever rants.

In the Land of Fargon,
All must wear a bra
To enforce equality
Upon dear papa.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears shirts.
Everyone's monogamous;
No-one ever flirts.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears coats.
It is a democracy;
Everybody votes.

In the Land of Fargon,
Everyone wears hats.
They are fond of animals,
Especially their cats.

In the Land of Fargon,
People wear good gear.
It is a Utopia,
But I prefer it here.

**

Politically Correct.

I have joined a well-known sect;
I am politically correct.

Our kind of person is the best, oh,
It says so in our personifesto.

We don't act like we live in a grotto;
"Personners maketh person" is our motto.

I am a person of great worth,
Personchester my place of birth.

Full of hills and lovely bays,
Isle of Person for holidays.

I make good sounds, commit no sin,
When I play the persondolin.

I'm not certain, I'm not sure
That what I'm saying isn't personure.

Horizon

Horizon.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
It isn't very nice
To hear that due to solar change,
The world will soon be ice.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
The glaciers are retreating,
And all the crops are going to fail;
The world is overheating.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
There's rocks above my head,
And if they ever hit the Earth,
I will be very dead.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
An island's due to break.
Then being at the seaside
Will be a huge mistake.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
Volcanoes which are still,
Will explode with lots of dust
And make us dead or ill.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
Diseases can now spread,
And they will never be contained,
'Til most of us are dead.

Don't let me watch Horizon;
They've come to the conclusion
That our whole world is just not real,
And that we're an illusion.

Don't let me watch Horizon,
But let me watch a soap,
And quizzes and a cooking show,
But leave me with some hope.

**

Burns and McGonagall

Drink a toast to Robert Burns,
A genius of great skill.
Those with greater talent?
Approximately nil.

Drink to William McGonagall,
A poet and a Scot,
Who thought he was a genius,
But probably was not.

**

Death and the Heckler.

A comic stood alone upon the stage.
The audience was full of silent rage.
Not a whisper, not a shout.
The only sound was people walking out.

In desperation he went more extreme.
His face was turning to the Silent Scream.
The audince had come and spent good money
And the little scoundrel was not funny.

The routine felt like it was War and Peace.
The curtain's fall was merciful release.
The comic was just heading for the door
When he heard a voice not heard before.

"You know that what you did here was all wrong,
"But think of Nietzsche; this will make you strong."
And just to make the comic feel much dafter,
There was applause and even hearty laughter.

The heckler had a hundred things to say,
So many things upon that fateful day.
The curtain rose and dancers leapt about,
And lively music drowned the heckler out.

**

Neanderthal Superiority.

Neanderthals are all deceased.
They’re pushing up the flowers,
Even though their brain size
Was much bigger than ours.

Survival of a species
Is really rather fragile.
We have kept on living
Because we were more agile.

The brightest humans are all dead
And we are somewhat less.
No wonder that we tend to make
Such an awful mess.

**

Stone Age Counting.

Counting is a lot of fun,
Right hand finger counts as one.

Counting makes you feel alive,
Right hand thumb alone is five.

Counting makes you feel just fine,
Right hand fully open's nine.

Here's a bit of useful gen,
Left hand finger counts as ten.

Here's a thing that is quite nifty,
Left hand thumb alone is fifty.

Numbers start to jump and jive,
Two thumbs up is fifty-five.

Numbers died and gone to heaven,
Index fingers are eleven.

Numbers really feel divine,
Open hands are ninety-nine.

You can wear an ancient smile,
You can count in caveman style.

**

Death and the Atheist.

Death does not worry
The true atheist,
Because when we die
We will cease to exist.

Such non-existence
Should hold no fears;
We managed quite nicely
For billions of years.

**

Death and the Believer.

The fate of the holy
Is not very clever;
They fear being tortured
For ever and ever.

They fear and they hope
About when they go.
The tragedy is
That they'll never know.

**

Atheist Bishop.

The bishop is clever,
Not at all dense.
He knows "God" and "Heaven"
Do not make sense.

He stands up and preaches,
Earns a few bob.
He lies to himself,
Because it's his job.

Villains

Villains.

Cheering for the goodies
Is really rather sad.
I do just the opposite.
I cheer on the bad.

Sherlock Holmes and Watson
Are too hale and arty.
They are not the men I'm for.
I'm for Moriarty.

Flash Gordon in the movies
Goes and does his thing.
You will hear me cheering,
Yes, for Emperor Ming.

People's thoughts on Disney
Can be quite obscene.
Most blokes fancy Snow White.
I like the Wicked Queen.

One-oh-one dalmantions
Make me feel quite ill.
One redeeming character:
Cruella de Ville.

There is an exception
To the way I feel.
I would never like them
If the swines were real.

**

Wicked Queen.

I wrote "I like the Wicked Queen",
So critics like to moan.
They say that Snow White's Wicked Queen
Changes to a crone.

This kind of transformation
Won't frighten me at all.
It happens fairly often
After alcohol.

Sometimes on a night out,
Pick up a gorgeous woman,
To find out in the morning
That she looks barely human.

It's a fifty-fifty
Which of us will flee,
Because I know the woman
Thinks the same of me.

**

Vlad.

Vlad the Impaler
Needed no jailer.
If you did him wrong,
You didn't last long.

A diplomat,
In a fancy hat,
Disliked the smell,
Got staked as well.

As a psychopath,
On a twisted path,
He went too far,
Now he's Dracula.

**

Selfishness.

Joseph Stalin
Was a sod,
But he never
Bothered God.

Jehovah's Witness,
What a bore,
Always knocking
On my door.

Joseph Stalin,
Better, see,
For he never
Bothered me.

**

Tin Man.

I'm the Tin Man,
That's my part.
Like the Tin Man,
I've no heart.

I'm still single,
Though I'm old.
Humans, animals,
Leave me cold.

Like Sinatra,
It's My Way:
Friend of Dorothy,
But not gay